Castaway

[Cainheppit]

New here--I am your over-60 grandfather, born and reared in the COC, Christian college graduate, former deacon, always faithful and active in local congregations. I was always able to keep my opinions to myself and try to do all the good I could with people and stay away from church politics. I got to where I couldn't take it any more. Naturally I've had to give up all my church friends.

I've been gone about a year now. My beliefs haven't changed but trying to continue as I was only led to depression. I need to influence my children and grandchildren, all of whom are not attending anywhere. Where to go? That's the question...one reason I need to read from these forums, along with other things. My main problem now is that I don't have any desire to affiliate with any group of people and certainly not to get involved again. I'm like the cliche of the guy who wants to walk in the woods on Sunday mornings for his religious experience. I know that is wrong but I'm not yet ready to interact with people.

Having been a working musician one would think I would be interested in some assembly where I could get involved in that...maybe some day. Since I am now a "castaway" I remember that Tom Hanks movie--who knows what the tide could bring in? And now, let the learning begin...

[KLP]

Welcome. I was in for well over 40 years . I deal with now by going to church one time a week, usually a CofC but not always and never one that would know me or anything about me. I will never "place membership" or make some agreement to "be under" any eldership. I will not have my name on a directory nor will I ever write the phrase CofC phrase out in full. I am sorta Jewish on that one...never write the name of God out n full, but for me it is the CofC term. We searched a long time trying various types of places out, but nothing felt comfortable or familiar even if it was anonymous.

By the way, my "solution" does not really work for me, but it seemed to be the least objectionable path. Mainly I like to sing (so the place has to have decent singing) but otherwise I remain anonymous...always have a tablet or phone so as to keep my mind occupied when singing is not happening. And then we can go to lunch. I will do some volunteer work for homeless and to help with helping the needy in relation to a church...but never put my name on anything.

So good luck to you and hopefully you will be able to have some influence on your kids and grandkids soon.

[agricola]

Welcome. I was 'in' for about 25 years, from birth. Leaving was tough, but being 'out' is wonderful.

For most people, we who have left have a near-unanimous recommendation: don't be too quick to jump into another 'church'. Take time enough to truly be fully 'out' - especially fully out of the idea that there is or should be some hypothetical group that has every single thing 'right', or that there is such a thing as absolute perfection.
Other random helpful (I hope) suggestions:
First, know yourself.
Then, know more about what you believe, and why you believe it - and learn more about what the enormous body of Christian doctrine (and maybe other faiths too) teaches and why.
Last, know that community - that is, relationships - are more important than doctrinal purity.

Final word:
For your family members - a decision about faith, non-faith, or church community is highly individual. All you can or should do is be a model, not a director.

Have a fine holiday season and a great new year, and welcome to the 'ex' board!

Former coc, now contented Conservative Jew for thirty years.

[cathym]

CoC preacher's kid, here. I've had issues off and on with some of the congregations I've been at over the years. Earlier this year, I visited a DoC church, and liked it so much I kept going back. For a while, I was going there on Sunday mornings, but still going to my CoC small group on Sunday nights, and going to Wednesday service, mostly because there are people I still like there. But after a few too many negative experiences, I think I'm just done. No more sitting there with a fake smile while someone sings the praises of the preacher who wasn't satisfied with driving me out of "his" congregation, but actively tried to get at least the preacher of the congregation I went back to to turf me out as well. (He didn't, but other things have happened since.) No more biting my tongue while people spew hate, or being accused of eavesdropping if I try to join a conversation that involves everyone else in the room. Church shouldn't be one more place to be excluded from a clique. Church should be family. I've only been attending this DoC church for a few months, but I had a lovely Thanksgiving dinner with an extended family from there. I look forward to church for the first time in years, maybe the first time ever.

Good luck finding your path forward. I think it might be OK to take a break for a while -- I sort of did, just by not having enough motivation to get up and out of the house in time to get to church.

[GMan]

Greetings and Welcome. You are among people that understand.

[Cainheppit]

Thanks folks. I have no problems being a believer or knowing what I believe. I studied my way out years ago and left mentally long before I left physically. I guess I was just following the First Rule of Wing Walking--never let go of what you have until you have hold of something else. I'm too old to have bitter feelings which will just eat up my happiness like a cancer. Guess I will free fall for a while now...

[Moogy]

Welcome. I have been out of the COC a long time now, but only once did I find a good church (non-COC) to really belong to. That was a good time for me, but it didn't last. It's all ok.

[onward]

I have no problems being a believer or knowing what I believe. I studied my way out years ago and left mentally long before I left physically

Like you, I was disenchanted with the CoC rhetoric years before I finally decided to hit the road. The church I was attending thankfully had a preacher that didn't push the legalistic hogwash on the congregation, but when he left that all changed, and I immediately walked out the door.