Ex-Church of Christ Support Board

I was in several congregation of coC in NC, TN and AK. I am now divorced and remarried and we all know the coC's stand of this. This has destroyed my family. I have grown children and grandchildren that are estranged to me. I also know of other members of coC that have mothers that have been divorced and remarried and their adult children do have relationships with them. Please help me get my family back. I believe I have been forgiven for my divorce and forgiven (not on the grounds of adultery) and 10 years later I have remarried. Please tell me why the opinions of coC is so out of line of other organized religions. Thank you.

They interpret the Bible as literally as possible, and if they find scripture that condemns something then, as far as they are concerned, that condemnation comes directly from God. They are not the only fundamentalists group that interprets the Marriage, divorce, & remarriage parts of scripture literally.

I can't offer you much hope that your family will forgive you unless or until you divorce your present husband & live a celibate life, because they believe God will not accept any other solution. The c of c is a cult & cult members follow the instruction of the leaders in this case the Elders & Preacher & obviously most of all the Bible.

There are less legalistic c of c congregations but the MDR issues is pretty much set in stone. You, unfortunately, are a victim of religious extremism. Extreme fundamentalists groups, such as the c of c, are the only ones that interpret the Bible this literally. Mainstream groups like Presbyterians & Methodist would only expect you to confess the sin of divorce & go on with your life. Personally I'm certain God only wants a request for forgiveness, which is also Biblical but that won't help your situation.

You note that other folks in your situation have children that continue to have a relationship with them. That is likely because they don't buy into the c of c beliefs as strongly as your children do. Not all members of the c of c buy into all of their teachings & beliefs.

I'm no longer a believer, so you will have to take my thoughts in that context. I'm sorry you are having to experience this dark side of Christianity.

Hi and welcome to the board.

Unfortunately, nobody can actually make anybody else change their minds unless they themselves want to do so. The only persons who we can actually control are ourselves. So you can work on your own reaction to your family, but you can't 'make' your family be different than they are.

It sounds like they are trying a form of blackmail or arm-twisting to control YOUR actions and behavior. That is unfair, and not productive. Our usual advice in these situations is to refuse to play their games. Leave the door open for them to come through it - but they need to leave that kind of behavior behind.

I'm sorry.

Welcome to our forum. It sounds like you are missing your family members and hurt about the way you have been treated.

I left the COC a long time ago, and my relationships with family members have gotten smoother with time. I was shunned just for leaving and didn't have a divorce issue, though.

The churches that I attended were VERY strict on divorce/remarriage. They even told a couple that were expecting their first baby that they needed to separate. The preacher found out that both of them had been married previously. That incident added to my reasons for leaving the COC.

The more liberal COCs have softened their stance on remarriage. I know because I have a relative who has been a preacher in a quite liberal group. If your relatives are of the more conservative/strict groups, you can just hope they will change. There's nothing you can say that will make them change their minds.

Wishing you the best.

Here are some articles that you could give your family to read. However, I would not do so expecting them to change their minds, but rather to give them an opportunity to consider another viewpoint.

Rubel Shelley was a preacher in the CoC. Not sure if he stills assembles with them or not.

http://www.rubelshelly.com/content.asp?CID=18198

http://www.rubelshelly.com/content.asp?CID=10637

Edward Fudge is an elder of a non-traditional CoC congregation and has a wide ministry.

http://edwardfudge.com/2012/02/divorce- ... rgiveness/