Leaving CoC

[taylor]

Hello,

I was raised in a CoC with my family being faithful members and grandfather being a very respected elder and speaker in the church. I am now married for 2 years and my husband and I attended the CoC for a short while. We have decided this church is not for us and do not care for the beliefs and "one true church" attitude. We have been attending a church of another denomination and are being harassed by our family over this. We receive multiple phone calls asking us to return to the CoC daily and wanting to have an "intervention" and show us how we are lost and to "get us on the right path again". They also seem to think that since I have left the church, I am going to hell and my family can no longer go to heaven because of me and my husband. They feel like the whole family must attend this CoC as it is Gods church and no other denomination is correct. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this when leaving the CoC?

[Cootie Brown]

Unfortunately this is a common tactic and something that virtually everyone that leaves the c of C will experience. I wish I could tell you the pressure they are putting on you will eventually lessen and go away, but that isn’t likely. It’s probably more likely to increase over time.

Once a person understands the hardcore cradle c of c’ers are deeply indoctrinated, and are therefore unable to think outside the c of C dogma, you will begin to grasp the reason for their actions and why they think the way they do. They truly believe you are on your way to hell, and because they love you they don’t want to happen.

Leaving the c of C requires you must accept what you are experiencing now because it is highly unlikely it will ever stop. And you can’t move far enough away to free yourself either. It is simply the price that has to be paid to free yourself from the c of C.

I think the c of C is a cult, others on this site disagree with me about that, but I think the evidence is on my side. I’m glad you found this site, I hope you will find it helpful & encouraging.

[Opie]

Hello Taylor, and welcome to the board. I was raised in a situation similar to yours, but this was back in the 1960s. My family were/are faithful members, and my dad was a very respected elder. Believe me when I say that growing up in this environment was a terrible experience due to many of the church members always wanting to make sure my parents were aware of my every move, word and thought. In many ways it was not a normal childhood.

CoC family members are often notorious for making these kinds of "leaving" situations very difficult. I think you'll find that several of those who regularly post on this board have had family experiences that are similar to yours, and hopefully they can provide you with some guidance and advice. Also, please read the threads under "CoC doctrine, theology and crazy experiences" and "Spiritual, Physical and Emotional Abuse" and I think you will see that you are NOT alone!

Best wishes to you.

[Ivy]

Taylor....welcome to the board!! Yes, probably a majority of us have experienced this kind of harassment when exiting the cofc. You are not alone in your experiences.

Happy New Year and wishing you better times ahead!!

[flawed]

Welcome Taylor. Many of us have experienced what you are going through now. Stay strong, even if it means cutting your family off. You do not have to listen when they call or corner you. A quick but firm response, something like I do not want to talk about this with you and if you continue I will hang up, leave, etc. then if they continue, do hang up or leave. You cannot be nice about it and continue to listen when they come at you, try not I engage at all, change the subject, walk out of the room or leave all together. I know it’s hard, I’m very non-confrontational and am going through some of this now.

[agricola]

Hello,

I was raised in a CoC with my family being faithful members and grandfather being a very respected elder and speaker in the church. I am now married for 2 years and my husband and I attended the CoC for a short while. We have decided this church is not for us and do not care for the beliefs and "one true church" attitude. We have been attending a church of another denomination and are being harassed by our family over this. We receive multiple phone calls asking us to return to the CoC daily and wanting to have an "intervention" and show us how we are lost and to "get us on the right path again". They also seem to think that since I have left the church, I am going to hell and my family can no longer go to heaven because of me and my husband. They feel like the whole family must attend this CoC as it is Gods church and no other denomination is correct. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this when leaving the CoC?

Yes, unfortunately - and this is the sign of cult-like behavior. About the only way to manage it is to be unequivocally clear:
this is not a topic up for discussion. We are not going to argue about this. No.

Change the topic: nice weather? how about the Dallas Cowboys? Found any good restaurants lately?

More extreme:
Change your phone number. Screen your calls.

Most extreme:
Move.

I moved. Best decision ever.

[Moogy]

Taylor, When I left, I got a lot of pressure from family members. I found that they DID stop eventually. I think they felt compelled to try to secure their own place in heaven. Once they had tried, they dropped the subject, knowing it was not their fault if I go to hell.
Best wishes,
Moogy

[Lerk]

I'm in the closet for this very reason! Only it isn't parents, it's one child. The subject was broached and it didn't go well.

However, his brother is no longer going to a CoC and, though there's been some pretty big conflict, their wives seem to be keeping them together. I'm glad for that! And maybe it means that I'll have the courage to get out some day.

Hopefully, as time goes on, you'll hear less and less about it, but I suspect there'll always be a passive-agressive comment made now and then unless you're willing to really cut them out of your life.

One day at a time!

[Moogy]

Thirty-five years after I left the COC, my sister also left and went to the Disciples of Christ. You never know what will happen with family.

[gordie91]

Welcome to the board.

Unfortunately, the belief that they are the only ones, found or have the truth and are just doing what the the bible says, gives them the ability to pursue and embarrass members of their own family. I know all too well that feeling and truly hope that things go better soon, I know they will because it has for us.

About the only way to manage it is to be unequivocally clear:
this is not a topic up for discussion. We are not going to argue about this. No.

Change the topic: nice weather? how about the Dallas Cowboys? Found any good restaurants lately?

More extreme:
Change your phone number. Screen your calls.

Most extreme:
Move.

I highly recommend the advice given by Agricola, I used it with some minor adjustments to suit my situation and truly believe it is very helpful and empowering when dealing with family that is set on shaming you back to the "truth". Best wishes