Introducing Myself - Love Wins

[Love Wins]

Introducing myself: Hello, I am glad that this group exists and to have found it. I am still attending the CoC - but not regularly. And often have high anxiety when I do attend. I have been divorced for many years, so my reputation is "stained." There was no adultery. My ex-husband was an addict, and I left in order to provide a more stable home for my children. I don't have a "scriptural" divorce, so I have remained alone. There is an elder at the congregation who I know from childhood. His wife hates me. He has been secretly plotting against me for many years - I just kept trying to "live right" so everyone could see that he was not telling the truth. Unfortunately his lies have spread like a poison. For the last 5-6 years, I've been the recipient of increased "social bullying" - although the elder and his many "friends" would completely deny this. The bullying has included social isolation, repeating gossip/lies/made up stories, trying to ruin my reputation, and encouraging others to not socialize with me. The elder is also a board member at a local "Christian" school and has spread lies there as well. It has taken me a long time to realize that good people do not go around destroying other people. The bullying left me tremendously confused - I literally have no idea what the exact story is. Although it is preached to talk to someone if you have a problem with them, even last month, that is not practiced AT ALL. I even felt "ashamed" for what I "must have done." It caused tremendous emotional angst. I finally "woke up" and took back my personal power - if that makes sense. Now I see them as they really are - a very judgemental social clique that works feverishly to promote themselves and their children within church institutions. It's heartbreaking because for all of my life (with intermittent periods of awakening) I thought people in the church were truly seeking to be more like Christ - kind, compassionate,wholesome, patient, merciful, loving. My "awakening" has explained so many things that I previously did not understand - I didn't want to believe that people in the church were so political and so self-serving. I look forward to meeting all of you and to learning/growing spiritually.

[SolaDude]

Welcome Love Wins. Yours is a heartbreaking story. The CofC is known as a shaming church in many circles. Perhaps you can find a CofC that is not, that is, that preaches the grace of God rather than endless condemnation, but they are far and few between. Do you really have to keep going to that CofC?? It seems like the first positive thing you could do for yourself is to just break it off??

[agricola]

First - welcome to the ex-group. You will find a mixed population, who left their particular CoC for a range of valid reasons.

Second - congratulations for taking steps to take back yourself, and shaking off what sounds like gaslighting - people telling you untrue things, and causing you to doubt your own experience and memory. That's a huge accomplishment -

Third - until you actually LEAVE, however, you are still living in that same environment that - as you have noted - is bent on continuing to cause you to doubt your own memories and experiences.

Are there other options you could tolerate for a 'church home', bearing in mind the possibility that, really, you do not ACTUALLY have to sit down in a pew one to three times weekly. You can take a nice break for a bit, like a vacation.

I think - personally - that you could use a vacation right now. Any 'assembly' taking place with THAT bunch, is not an 'assembly of yourselves together' that you need to assemble with, it sounds like.

[Moogy]

What a dysfunctional church! I am glad you are recognizing that the problem is not you or your life. The problem is the controlling & bullying of certain powerful members.
There are so many healthier churches in the world. Unfortunately, the COC had convinced many of us that theirs was the only acceptable church. That makes it more difficult to just leave.
My recommendation is for you to leave and never go back. Send a letter saying you are withdrawing your membership and refuse to meet with anyone to discuss your reasons. You can try another church, or you can take a vacation from church. Ask yourself if a loving God would want you to stay in such a toxic environment.

Best wishes for your ongoing life path,
Moogy

[teresa]

Hi Love Wins

That sounds like a toxic situation. Are your children affected by the situation?

What do you see as your options?

[Love Wins]

Hello! Thank you to everyone who reached out to welcome me to the group and for offering words of encouragement/advice. I should have included in my introduction that I've been attending worship services virtually for most of the last 8 months. My bout with Covid this Fall left me very fatiqued. And I actually gain more from the service when I attend from home because I'm not faced with the shunning, isolation, or dirty looks. My children are now ages 22 and 24. They both have been very hurt by bullies at the school and congregation. Bullies who have parents that are CoC royalty or in very powerful positions - influential families (as they say). I was proactive in teaching my boys to stand up for themselves in an appropriate manner, but they both see such hypocrisy. This is an additional heartbreaking issue for me. As for my options, I have been looking for a congregation that is more full of grace and love; however, all of the local churches have close ties to the school. The gossip at the school and church travels far and wide in the community. And that makes the social condemnation and isolation even more widespread. Honestly, we are considering moving to another area. Fresh start. New faces. Again, thank you for being compassionate and kind to me. Not something I'm used to from "Christians".

[SolaDude]

Love Wins, when you say "the school", is that a CofC college or university? It sounds like the CofC is quite pervasive in that area, with many congregations, is that correct? If so, I would agree that moving would be the way to go, especially when it comes to your kids. Where you are living right now, ISTM, is so toxic it has affected them even, and that would be a show stopper for me anyway.

You know, I think someone else here suggested a church "vacation". Have you thought about doing that? During that "vacation" perhaps you can look around at other church options besides the CofC (without necessarily attending services) and just take your time. Maybe it would be a good time to work out in your mind what you believe and what you don't believe??

I guess my immediate question to you is why are you still connecting yourself to that church, even via the Internet? What is it about what they preach that continues to attract you? Perhaps if you could articulate that for us here, that would help.

You see, the CofC "control" can be a blinding force, based in condemnation, so that every move you decide to make is excruciating for you because you fear a God who looks over your shoulder and is ready to zap you into hell for any move you make. Is that anywhere close to how you feel??

[agricola]

Hey LoveWins - and anybody else interested - there is a thread under 'New Paths' in the area for 'information (ask about), which is all about 'finding a new church home'.

There are also links in New Paths to a variety of places with information about things like doctrines of various different Christian denominations - AND, of course, one can always ASK any questions you can think of.

So - anyway - you are (everybody) INVITED to check that area out, and do not be afraid! Go ahead and read threads from years ago, and bump them up by adding a comment or a question! Some of those threads deserve a resurrection!

[Tsathoggua]

Welcome aboard!

You might want to try stopping the church thing altogether. Just don't attend services anywhere. Give it a month or so, and see if you feel better.

[Tim N]

If one was to assume that Church of Christ doctrine is the correct doctrine ordained by God, this congregation is not possibly part of the church that Jesus founded. No scriptural church would put up with such devious and immoral behavior by one of its leaders.

Always remember the strong Church of Christ claim that they are not a denomination. This means that the sign outside that says “Church of Christ” should be meaninglessness, even under Church of Christ doctrine. According to all variants of the Church of Christ, the name itself signifies nothing. It’s what goes on in worship, belief, and practice that determines whether it’s a “true church.” This one ain’t.