Still dealing with guilt
Still dealing with guilt
Hi, After a failed marriage I began looking up relationship advice online, got bored and then googled "ex-church of christ." I had left home and the CoC pretty much right at the age of 18, and am 27 now. I also moved out of the house at this time. I have had 2 physically abusive relationships since then, one of them being my marriage. I was with him for 3 years before we were married than 6 weeks after our wedding I had a black eye and bruises on my arms and legs. Emotional abuse had been happening throughout the relationship and my parents wondered why I followed through with marrying him. I felt guilt for having already slept with him. I felt that I was already committed to him and needed marry. Now I am in the process of filing for divorce, knowing its the healthiest decision, I do not feel emotionally or physically safe to go back. He is getting therapy now, but per recent phone conversations with him he is still playing mind games and using my emotions against me. This website really illustrated things I already new were not my beliefs but I have not yet processed. I have sought out relationships with men that mirrored the authoritarian behavior of my father and step father. My mother has called my husband after I left and talked with him about how my unresolved anger issues make me run away instead of stay committed (having issues with the church and my stepdad). She has not been accurate in her portrayal of me or decisions I made when I was 18. My husband conveyed these things to me. It was so frustrating I felt the need to defend myself telling him it wasn't true, further perpetuating the notion that I had unresolved anger issues. As confusing as all of this is to me, while I have made great strides to let go of the anger of being raised in a spiritually and emotionally abusive (with very real suggestions of sexual abuse or just extreme repression with weird outlets) I may still have not fully processed all of the guilt. I did not want to be divorced, but am planning on following through with it. I am wondering if the guilt will ever go away, if I will ever feel like I can remarry and have kids one day. Thank you for having this support group available, there are so few that have a similar background as me.
Re: Still dealing with guilt
Hi sunnyside! 
Thanks for sharing your story. Welcome to the forum!
Thanks for sharing your story. Welcome to the forum!
Re: Still dealing with guilt
Welcome to the board - and continue with any counseling that is helpful.
Is there any compelling reason to talk to this guy at all? Why care what he thinks about the problems he thinks or says he thinks you have?
You don't owe him - or the world - a thorough explanation of your inner self, after all.
Sorry about your mother.
Is there any compelling reason to talk to this guy at all? Why care what he thinks about the problems he thinks or says he thinks you have?
You don't owe him - or the world - a thorough explanation of your inner self, after all.
Sorry about your mother.
History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. That's why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices.
Re: Still dealing with guilt
Thank you for the replies, not sure if this was the appropriate forum to share all of that, but I thought, if I am experiencing it, maybe someone else is too.
Re: Still dealing with guilt
I am glad you found this support group. I am separated from my husband of 28 years and did suffer emotional abuse. I too feel guilt for a failed marriage, but I don't think either of us should. I agree with the other posters, there is no need to talk to him. He broke the marriage vows when he hit you. I have come to believe that just because the bible doesn't mention abuse as a reason for divorce, doesn't mean that it isn't. It's common sense. Stay in counseling! Find a church that talks about a loving God. Sorry about your Mom. I know how hard it is to feel that you have disappointed her. STAY strong!
Re: Still dealing with guilt
Thank you, I completely uprooted my life to get out of that situation. I will not be able to afford counseling for a bit but plan to as soon as I can. I was speaking to him because I thought since he was going to therapy that meant he was trying. Again the guilt took over and embarrassment for having such a short marriage. Actually instead of owning his behavior, which he did at first, he went back to his old ways and started using information from my mother unfairly against me. He has no idea why I left home and the Church of Christ at 18. It was a hateful, racist, sexist environment. I felt insecure that I had seemed to eventually "run away" from what I perceived as unhealthy situations. I am working on believing in myself, my decisions and realizing that it's not me! I'm ok! I am trying to focus on only forming healthy and safe relationships.
Re: Still dealing with guilt
Grace wrote:I am glad you found this support group. I am separated from my husband of 28 years and did suffer emotional abuse. I too feel guilt for a failed marriage, but I don't think either of us should. I agree with the other posters, there is no need to talk to him. He broke the marriage vows when he hit you. I have come to believe that just because the bible doesn't mention abuse as a reason for divorce, doesn't mean that it isn't. It's common sense. Stay in counseling! Find a church that talks about a loving God. Sorry about your Mom. I know how hard it is to feel that you have disappointed her. STAY strong!
Why should sticking your "fifth limb" into a woman your not married to be morally acceptable grounds for divorce but sticking one of your long upper limbs fist first in your wifes face isn't?
Honestly, somethings jacked with the Bible.
The philosophers have only interpreted the world, in various ways; the point is to change it.----Karl Marx
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Valley mom
- Posts: 2
- Joined: Tue Oct 14, 2014 1:21 pm
Re: Still dealing with guilt
Hi Sunnyside,
I divorced my child's father after we wound up in a life-threatening situation that had been brewing for years. Some of my Coc friends expressed their disapproval with my decision. One was concerned about remarriage and possible "issues with adultery". I quickly decided that if he ever wanted to discuss adultery with me, it would be after we discussed his gluttony. I left the Coc when I moved to another city during the divorce. Now, the only thing I ever hear is concern for my soul & that of my child's because we left the Coc. I share this as an example that there will always be someone who questions your decisions. You simply do not owe them an explanation. The decisions of how you lead your life are between you and God.
Now, counseling is very important. If you do not have health insurance to cover this necessary treatment, there are often agencies that charge on a sliding scale, based on income. I always check the counselor's qualifications, with my minimum requirement being that the counselor have at least a Master's degree in psychology or social work (LCSW). I don't know where you are, so counseling may be harder to find.
I divorced my child's father after we wound up in a life-threatening situation that had been brewing for years. Some of my Coc friends expressed their disapproval with my decision. One was concerned about remarriage and possible "issues with adultery". I quickly decided that if he ever wanted to discuss adultery with me, it would be after we discussed his gluttony. I left the Coc when I moved to another city during the divorce. Now, the only thing I ever hear is concern for my soul & that of my child's because we left the Coc. I share this as an example that there will always be someone who questions your decisions. You simply do not owe them an explanation. The decisions of how you lead your life are between you and God.
Now, counseling is very important. If you do not have health insurance to cover this necessary treatment, there are often agencies that charge on a sliding scale, based on income. I always check the counselor's qualifications, with my minimum requirement being that the counselor have at least a Master's degree in psychology or social work (LCSW). I don't know where you are, so counseling may be harder to find.
Re: Still dealing with guilt
Human judgement doesn't mean a whit when compared to God's grace.Valley mom wrote: You simply do not owe them an explanation. The decisions of how you lead your life are between you and God.
Unity in diversity
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MissingLink
- Posts: 17
- Joined: Tue Oct 14, 2014 7:18 pm
Re: Still dealing with guilt
Your story really hit home for me. I'm also 27, just finished the divorce process, and have been working through the emotional, spiritual and psychological fallout that came with it. I stumbled onto this board the same way you did.
While my husband only turned physically abusive in the last few months of the crumbling relationship, he was verbally and emotionally abusive for the duration of our relationship. I met him at 18 and married him at 21, because, like you, I felt guilty after having slept with him.
But, it gets better, I promise. It's been about a year since my life fell apart, but I can honestly say I'm stronger and more self-assured now than I was back then. And this board is a great resource - I was so angry and scared and confused when I first began posting here, but the people here care, and even more importantly they understand.
You said finances are tight right now (same here - I let him have everything in the divorce because I wanted out so badly), but if you can and feel comfortable doing so, you might consider looking into group therapy. There's a 12-step group called Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families, and its program overlaps a fair bit with spiritual abuse. I have been going for almost a year now, and that has helped my outlook considerably.
While my husband only turned physically abusive in the last few months of the crumbling relationship, he was verbally and emotionally abusive for the duration of our relationship. I met him at 18 and married him at 21, because, like you, I felt guilty after having slept with him.
But, it gets better, I promise. It's been about a year since my life fell apart, but I can honestly say I'm stronger and more self-assured now than I was back then. And this board is a great resource - I was so angry and scared and confused when I first began posting here, but the people here care, and even more importantly they understand.
You said finances are tight right now (same here - I let him have everything in the divorce because I wanted out so badly), but if you can and feel comfortable doing so, you might consider looking into group therapy. There's a 12-step group called Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families, and its program overlaps a fair bit with spiritual abuse. I have been going for almost a year now, and that has helped my outlook considerably.