Ex-Church of Christ Support Board

Recently I went to a memorial service for someone that I had known for many years. Since grade school I have known him and his wife and remember their kids when they were born. Their oldest even worked for me for a while. He was a good man and everyone seemed to like him and his family. His wife has always been kind to me and his daughter and her husband really like my daughter and have kept in touch with her (daughter is still CoC).

I felt like it was important to pay my respects to the family and at least show up to his memorial service. Of course, I knew the whole crew from his CoC would be there and that I would know most if not all of them. I was ready and prepared to answer truthfully any questions that may come my way and handle any negative comments with many of the recommendations I have received from the good people on this site.

I talked with a few people, but quickly came to realize they had no idea of my leaving because they do not do church at the same CoC that my parents and sibling attend and they were engaging and friendly. However, the ones that do attend with my family and do know about my departure from "the truth" either spoke with one word or looked, stared or gawked and moved on. The preacher, who knows me and has questioned my sanity with my sibling after learning about my departure all of the sudden could not talk. He came to the group I was standing with and casually began shaking hands and then with astonishment (poor acting skills) turned to me and proceeded to tell me he did not recognize me and was guilty of looking right through me . We exchanged some short comments about my father-in-law's upcoming gospel meeting he was to have at my family's church and then just walked away.

I am not writing this to talk about some injustice or hurt thrown my way but to zoom in on some relevant facts about my departure and how so called christians handle one that has left the faith. Since my exit letter and then after the knowledge of where we are going to church, not one person who is considered a "faithful" member of either of the congregations we had long standing relationships with called to question us or to encourage us to come back. Not one has made an attempt to understand why the change occurred or even how we came to know what Orthodoxy is in the first place. Please keep in mind, I do not like confrontation and many times during this I have worried about certain situations and how to handle them if they arise.

I am only observing that these people who claim to have the truth and the right understanding of it, did not and do not feel it necessary to inquire, confront or even condemn my action of leaving. Instead, they question family and force them to admonish them to inquire for themselves where we are going or why we have left. But when an opportunity is dropped in their lap, they fumble and stumble and are at a loss for words. We will probably not go and hear my father-in-law preach and I can almost hear it now, "Why didn't they come?" and they will be asking everybody but the people who can answer, us. I guess, knowing and seeing what I saw in the past about how people would go and "visit" an erring member (they never came back BTW) and make it known to all the good folk at church, I expected to be visited.

This story was observational and I found it interesting that while I was on their "turf" they either avoided, or stumbled when they did talk. Now, more than this happened and I spoke to many people who were nice and friendly, however, I don't think they know. I was hugged by two people that do know and I did not feel uncomfortable and even think they understand just a tiny bit. But the folk that are prominent and do know, they struggled the most with this whole event.

P.S. - The son of the man that died did contact me several months ago and I appreciated his questioning me directly instead of continually listening to everyone talk about our decision. He wanted confirmation about things he had heard. I didn't include him in the above story because he doesn't hold a prominent and "faithful" position with the church members because of personal struggles he has had in his life. Again, I am not looking for trouble only that I was curious about how this has gone down. I know it is not because I am right and they know it or that I am smarter or intimidating person, it is just weird knowing these people as long as I have. Maybe being seen in private would be a different story

But.....evidence not withstanding, the c of c is definitely NOT a cult. So, don't anybody go there or even suggest such a thing.

It's hard say Gordie. Surely some were observing some decorum given it was a funeral. Some surely were cowardly to an extent as you pointed out.

I remember is a "evangelism" class as a young adult that we should be aware that when someone loses a loved one that they are good candidates to convert since they are thinking about death and the afterlife. So if you have a friend that loses a parent, that is a prime opportunity to approach them about a Bible study. And of course, I did that on at least two occasions that I can recall.

The first time I was young and gung ho, and I hated myself later for having done that.

The second time, I saw my friend/co-worker during and after a family funeral being hit on by Jehovah's Witness and having the JW material on his desk at work and taking notes. I was more trying to prevent his conversion to JW than anything else.

klp wrote:It's hard say Gordie. Surely some were observing some decorum given it was a funeral. Some surely were cowardly to an extent as you pointed out.

I accounted for the observing of decorum and fully accept that I may be over sensitive but if it hadn't been for the two that were huggers I would probably not written anything and figured it was me. I know how these people have behaved in the past and seen first hand the use of arguments against someone "falling away" whether into total degradation or another religion, Christian that is. The intensity with which they attack both private and from a pulpit just didn't seem to be there in such a golden opportunity. This service was very relaxed after the last amen because he wasn't there and had been buried for a few days. During, it reminded me of a normal Sunday morning with songs, prayers and sermon.

It just seems strange that someone would leave and go to something so foreign to their way of thinking and they not inquire either by phone or when in person. I suppose this event just made me think of it in those terms. It wasn't bad, it was just, well uneventful. I hope I'm not looking for a fight and just don't know it.

If they didn't call to question or grill me on my personal beliefs.....I would consider that a blessing. Since leaving the cofc I now know that
spirituality is a personal and private thing that is no one else's business.

Ivy wrote:If they didn't call to question or grill me on my personal beliefs.....I would consider that a blessing. Since leaving the cofc I now know that
spirituality is a personal and private thing that is no one else's business.

Yeah, same here! I will get confrontational if I need to, but do not welcome people poking into "my bizness".

I do consider it a blessing, however it is very curious to me that people I have personally witnessed and known so well in these types of scenarios have gone silent.

Am I that intimidating? Was I really "never a christian"? Are they afraid of what they may learn? Or could it be that these people are hypocrites and are really just behaving to their nature. I don't know, but it is very curious how this has gone down in light of what I have read here and knowing these people's past behavior.

I agree that it is weird to be kind of "dropped" without any explanation. It makes me wonder if they really do believe people who leave are going to hell.....perhaps the non-action is telling us that they don't really believe what they claim to, or think, they believe.

My opinion is they stop bothering us once they think they have fulfilled their obligation to chastise us. They figure they are no longer destined to account for why they didn't try to get us back.

Moogy wrote:My opinion is they stop bothering us once they think they have fulfilled their obligation to chastise us. They figure they are no longer destined to account for why they didn't try to get us back.

But Moogy, wouldn't that apply only to the ones who have actually chastised? What about the ones who never said anything. Would they still be on the hook for our eternal destiny?