Ex-Church of Christ Support Board

So, what can I say?? Anyone who grew up in the CofC knows this...I believe it to be the source of the emotional dysfunction many CofC people have in later years (there was always a rumor when I was a kid that CofC people had more mental illness than any other group, and I'm not sure that is not too far off the mark)....I feel I am still affected by repression (as hard as it is to articulate) even though I've been away from it for so long...But, really, how far can you suppress or repress your own sinfulness?? No matter how much you try, you will fail.

So, if the CofC preached that our sinfulness (and self-righteousness) is something to DEAL and live with and not pretend we can suppress down to non-existence in our lives (even if that is preached as a goal), then perhaps there would have resulted a realness about the whole effort....

And I'm not talking about just sex....I'm talking about a mindset.....How could it have been different?? What could the preaching have been like??

YES, YES, YES. Repression/suppression has created this overarching feeling of shame. I’m still working to over it. It would have been helpful to acknowledge all the nuances of our humanity. To realize that imperfection is okay. I’ve been fortunate to confide a few members about some sinfulness. To my surprise instead of throwing the scriptures at me, they listened and validated my experience. I do know, however, this is a rare occasion in the CofC. I’ve always heard the phrase “strive for perfection” whether it be in public prayer or sermons. Teaching this mindset is harmful IMO, especially if you're prone to being analytical and oversensitive about things.

Another thought- I also think it gets in the way of having a REAL and open relationships with loved ones in the church. When you are so use to hiding the "sinful" parts it makes you become uncomfortable with youself as person. Which leads to creating a wall between you and others. If that makes sense.

Yes, it makes a lot of sense kneedeep.....

SO true!
People were too busy pretending to be perfect that relationships, friendships in church were superficial at most.

Yeah, the people I confide in are NOT members of the coc. They're friends from outside of church. They are Christians... One attends some kind of Baptist church that seems to be fairly liberal as far as Baptists go, and the other attends a Methodist church. I can tell them anything. They can tell me anything. We help each other through spiritual issues, worldly issues, everything. My coc friends? I have ONE that I'm somewhat close with. We'll talk mostly about issues with our kids (we both have a kid about the same age that has some special needs). She'll also confide with me about her struggles moreso than most coc'ers do. She suffers from depression and I think she's bipolar. She likes to call me up because I'll make her laugh and bring cheer to her day. That's what I'm good at. But all my other coc friends? We never talk outside of church, and inside the church we're only talking about superficial things. I wouldn't feel comfortable confiding in them about much.

Years ago, I realized that my husband would not mix his coc friends with his non-coc friends. When we had people over for a holiday gathering, I'd want to invite coc and non-coc friends, but my husband would want to pick one or the other. I always found that weird. LIke why can't we mix the two? It's not like our non-coc friends are total heathens. Ok, maybe one or two of his are... Now I wonder if he was afraid the coc friends would try to convert the non-coc. My husband doesn't try to convert his friends, and I don't try to convert mine either (especially now that I'm ex-coc in heart and mind ).

Shrubbery wrote:Yeah, the people I confide in are NOT members of the coc. They're friends from outside of church. They are Christians... One attends some kind of Baptist church that seems to be fairly liberal as far as Baptists go, and the other attends a Methodist church. I can tell them anything. They can tell me anything. We help each other through spiritual issues, worldly issues, everything. My coc friends? I have ONE that I'm somewhat close with. We'll talk mostly about issues with our kids (we both have a kid about the same age that has some special needs). She'll also confide with me about her struggles moreso than most coc'ers do. She suffers from depression and I think she's bipolar. She likes to call me up because I'll make her laugh and bring cheer to her day. That's what I'm good at. But all my other coc friends? We never talk outside of church, and inside the church we're only talking about superficial things. I wouldn't feel comfortable confiding in them about much.

Years ago, I realized that my husband would not mix his coc friends with his non-coc friends. When we had people over for a holiday gathering, I'd want to invite coc and non-coc friends, but my husband would want to pick one or the other. I always found that weird. LIke why can't we mix the two? It's not like our non-coc friends are total heathens. Ok, maybe one or two of his are... Now I wonder if he was afraid the coc friends would try to convert the non-coc. My husband doesn't try to convert his friends, and I don't try to convert mine either (especially now that I'm ex-coc in heart and mind ).

That's kindofa sad one there, Shrubbery....never understood the isolation "ivory tower" thing....think I'll start another thread....

Shrubbery wrote:.....My coc friends? I have ONE that I'm somewhat close with. We'll talk mostly about issues with our kids (we both have a kid about the same age that has some special needs). She'll also confide with me about her struggles moreso than most coc'ers do. She suffers from depression and I think she's bipolar. She likes to call me up because I'll make her laugh and bring cheer to her day. That's all I'm good at. But all my other coc friends? We never talk outside of church, and inside the church we're only talking about superficial things. I wouldn't feel comfortable confiding in them about much......

The "borders of our lives" (in the CofC) defined....I can hear Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel singing as I read this, Shrubbery.......

Yes, we speak of things that matter,
With words that must be said,
"Can analysis be worthwhile?"
"Is the theater really dead?"
And how the room is softly faded
And I only kiss your shadow,
I cannot feel your hand,
You're a stranger now unto me
Lost in the dangling conversation.
And the superficial sighs,
In the borders of our lives.

Paul Simon is the greatest poet of the 20th century.

Opie wrote:Paul Simon is the greatest poet of the 20th century.

Ditto that....I'd throw in Stevie Nicks, too...

From "Dreams".....
Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions
I keep my visions to myself, it's only me
Who wants to wrap around your dreams and,
Have you any dreams you'd like to sell?
Dreams of loneliness,
Like a heartbeat, drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering, what you had,
And what you lost and what you had and what you lost


From "Sara"......
Said, Sara
You're the poet in my heart
Never change
Never stop
But now it's gone
It doesn't matter what for
But when you build your house
Then call me home

Sorry, I no longer see such depths of the human spirit in music nowadays......