Ex-Church of Christ Support Board

zeek wrote:

B.H. wrote:Looking back I can see the people in the coc not showing much empathy over anything.

This is rooted in the unspoken belief that if bad things happen to you, you deserve it because you are obviously not living right. Kind of like the mindset Job's friends had.

Funny thing is that the C of C'ers I was around always went to great lengths to SAY they didn't believe that, but their actions strongly indicated otherwise.

I think the coc got that from the culture around it. Lots of people think its akways your fault if something bad happens to you.

All in all, the CofC people I have known were kind and loving people, even though judgmental and narrow minded.

FinallyFree wrote:All in all, the CofC people I have known were kind and loving people, even though judgmental and narrow minded.

I know exactly what you're saying, and when you see it in print, it seems impossible. I wonder how they managed that? How can one be kind and loving, while at the same time judgmental and narrow minded?

My guess: they are kind and loving as long as they are happy with your behavior, but can switch in a heartbeat to judgmental / narrow minded mode. I personally had this happen at a very inappropriate time -- my mother's funeral visitation. Nice, huh?

Ivy, I think what you said may sum it up. I think of the last lunch I had with a friend from the CofC we left when we joined the Christian Church. She was accepting of our church change (it was a very progressive CofC), but made a very hurtful comment about gay people. She knew our family situation. After that, I have not contacted her again. I have thought about it but have not. She was a lovely person, but not on that subject. Til it happens to you, you just cannot understand.

FinallyFree wrote:Ivy, I think what you said may sum it up. I think of the last lunch I had with a friend from the CofC we left when we joined the Christian Church. She was accepting of our church change (it was a very progressive CofC), but made a very hurtful comment about gay people. She knew our family situation. After that, I have not contacted her again. I have thought about it but have not. She was a lovely person, but not on that subject. Til it happens to you, you just cannot understand.

I am sorry that happened to you. That had to sting. It seems like it's lying just below the surface, like a snake in the grass....no matter how "loving" they seem to be.

One time we were attending a growing community-type church (of Independent Christian background). They were doing a lot of outreach to the community. A lesbian couple started to attend. One Sunday morning during the pre-service videos on the big screen up front (they'd play little scripture vignettes, etc.; y'all know the ones) there was some sort of clip played on the screen that was anti-gay. I saw the women quietly react with horror. I always wondered if the "very hip" pastor / leadership didn't want to deal with them and was hoping they'd quietly go away. I never knew what actually happened after that.

We have several gay people at the church I attend now & they are accepted and loved. I will never again attend a church that says bad things about gay people. It is too painful for me.

FinallyFree wrote:All in all, the CofC people I have known were kind and loving people, even though judgmental and narrow minded.

I haven't posted here in a while but yeah some of them go out of their way to help and mean well. I wondered how this grocer store owner years ago could be part of it. He was a life long bachelor who had a ma and pa store that delivered around town and ran most all of it by himself with a couple of cashiers. One was his sister and later the other like a female companion. I never hear talk judgmental of anyone and he visited nursing homes. He was what any church goer should be.

I was often reminded that I didn't have children.

Some C of C parent would tell me I had more free time than they did because "you don't have children." So? I told one of them we should trade schedules for a week, and see who has the most free time. He never took me up on that.

When a young father died, one of the ladies said to me that his death was tragic because he had little children, followed by, "you don't." I was aware of that, and was tempted to ask if she thought my death would be less tragic, or if I should feel guilty for being alive when the other guy wasn't.

The company I worked for fired several employees, including me. One lady went to great lengths to remind me that I should be grateful I didn't have any "little mouths to feed." Lost count of how many times she said that.

In a similar vein, while I was interviewing for jobs (which takes time, as any rational person knows), one of the biddies told me that I'd take any job I could get if "you had cryin' babies t'feed." Wished there was a crying baby nearby to use her for a toilet. She was a mean person anyway.

Struggler wrote:I was often reminded that I didn't have children.

Some C of C parent would tell me I had more free time than they did because "you don't have children." So? I told one of them we should trade schedules for a week, and see who has the most free time. He never took me up on that.

When a young father died, one of the ladies said to me that his death was tragic because he had little children, followed by, "you don't." I was aware of that, and was tempted to ask if she thought my death would be less tragic, or if I should feel guilty for being alive when the other guy wasn't.

The company I worked for fired several employees, including me. One lady went to great lengths to remind me that I should be grateful I didn't have any "little mouths to feed." Lost count of how many times she said that.

In a similar vein, while I was interviewing for jobs (which takes time, as any rational person knows), one of the biddies told me that I'd take any job I could get if "you had cryin' babies t'feed." Wished there was a crying baby nearby to use her for a toilet. She was a mean person anyway.

Real nice, huh? No boundaries, no insight, no empathy. Sounds you were a scapegoat for the church biddies. Did you ever tell them off? I hope you did.