I've been a member here for a while and never posted although I recently did post on the FB "Former Koolaid Drinkers" and enjoyed all the responses there. Anyway, my daughter who is 16 has had a project for her sociology class. She had to interview my mother via phone. My father is NICOC elder and my mom toes the line. We have had a great relationship over the years because they have not ever projected their feelings or philosophies into my life since I left home and "the fold". However, one of the questions my daughter asked my mom was "Would you rather travel to the future or the past?" Her response was "I would like to go back to the past because I really wish I could better teach my children about the word of god." Forget about the fact that I went to the damn church for 18 years. My sister is married to a CoC preacher and she is the epitome of CoC preacher's wife including the scowl and pious, judgmental attitude about all the she is uncomfortable with. So this was directed at me. My mom is 75. I know that she is aging and I am sure the she is the victim of ugly brainwashing but really??? WTF??? You say that to your 16yo granddaughter without a single conversation with me ever in 23 years...not that I want it but how passive aggressive can you be....
The end result is that my five kids feel sorry for me. I told them to feel sorry for her.
New and angry
Re: New and angry
Hi and welcome -
It isn't you, it's her.
Your mom is certainly entitled to feel that she could have 'done better', even if 'doing better' on her part wouldn't be exactly what you would like! But she has kept her silence with you all this time, right? And it isn't like she called your daughter and volunteered this information - she just answered honestly when asked. Remember where she is coming from: wishing she had managed to keep you in 'the fold' mostly means she loves you and thinks that - by leaving - you are in dire mortal peril. It's her, not you.
Anyway - hugs virtually for you, and I don't think your kids feel sorry for you, unless you make it look like you think they ought to, or something. You are strong, you left that bunch, and if anything, your kids are probably proud of you for it.
If it helps - my kids are 'grown' now and I am certainly thinking I could have done better, even though they are all fine. I think it just goes with 'mom territory' to think you could have been different/done better/been home more - whatever little or big failures. I probably regret things that my kids never gave a second thought to, actually. Just like they probably blame me for stuff I don't remember at all (or remember a lot differently!). Families.
(and yes, passive aggressive behavior is absolutely the daily special in the coc)
It isn't you, it's her.
Your mom is certainly entitled to feel that she could have 'done better', even if 'doing better' on her part wouldn't be exactly what you would like! But she has kept her silence with you all this time, right? And it isn't like she called your daughter and volunteered this information - she just answered honestly when asked. Remember where she is coming from: wishing she had managed to keep you in 'the fold' mostly means she loves you and thinks that - by leaving - you are in dire mortal peril. It's her, not you.
Anyway - hugs virtually for you, and I don't think your kids feel sorry for you, unless you make it look like you think they ought to, or something. You are strong, you left that bunch, and if anything, your kids are probably proud of you for it.
If it helps - my kids are 'grown' now and I am certainly thinking I could have done better, even though they are all fine. I think it just goes with 'mom territory' to think you could have been different/done better/been home more - whatever little or big failures. I probably regret things that my kids never gave a second thought to, actually. Just like they probably blame me for stuff I don't remember at all (or remember a lot differently!). Families.
(and yes, passive aggressive behavior is absolutely the daily special in the coc)
History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. That's why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices.
Re: New and angry
Sorry to hear about that although that's what coc'ers do. They hit hard while hiding behind the front lines in the comfort of their small, cylindrical environment.
You'll never see them go head-to-head or debate with ex-coc'ers out in public. Too much risk of losing. They are really quite cowardly like a religious terrorist.
You'll never see them go head-to-head or debate with ex-coc'ers out in public. Too much risk of losing. They are really quite cowardly like a religious terrorist.
Re: New and angry
As someone else on this board said, I was CoC nine months before I was born. I'm now 62 years old and I continue to have anger problems whenever I think of the hatefulness and legalism that I was taught as a child growing up in the CoC. I struggle to let go of the anger. I feel like growing up in the legalistic and judgmental CoC robbed me of a normal childhood in some ways, and also warped me as an adult. I was discussing this with a friend earlier today and he reminded me that even though the people who did this were misguided, they genuinely loved me and genuinely thought they were helping. I hope I can get to the point that I can forgive in the same way that Christ has forgiven me.
"If I had to define my own theme, it would be that of a person who absorbed some of the worst the church has to offer, yet still landed in the loving arms of God." (From the book 'Soul Survivor' by Philip Yancy)
Re: New and angry
Sorry your experiencing so much flack from those that should be supporting you. Members in these churches are brainwashed, out-of-touch, and occasionally robotic zombies ... they often mean well, but they're taught to parrot the party line regardless of the consequences.
Hardline CoC tribes insist on your adherence to their irrational traditions, and flawed doctrines. Unfortunately, it's too often that innocent children bear the brunt of their misguided attempts at brainwashing. Families suffer in these churches because of the pressure to be perfect in all respects, and again, it's the children/young adults that are too often paying the highest price, and with time they will give up completely, or seek God in other ways.
Thankfully, God's plan was never to create a church of/for perfect people, just us sinners.
Hardline CoC tribes insist on your adherence to their irrational traditions, and flawed doctrines. Unfortunately, it's too often that innocent children bear the brunt of their misguided attempts at brainwashing. Families suffer in these churches because of the pressure to be perfect in all respects, and again, it's the children/young adults that are too often paying the highest price, and with time they will give up completely, or seek God in other ways.
Thankfully, God's plan was never to create a church of/for perfect people, just us sinners.
Freedom in Christ always trumps slavery to legalism
Re: New and angry
My Mom had the beginning stages of Alzheimer's when I left the CofC almost 10 years ago. Dad passed away 1.5 years ago from cancer. Our relationship was a bit strained when I left but it eventually got back on track. Don't let this disappointment screw up a relationship with your Mom as I would take two alive parents with a semi-strained relationship over not being able to have a relationship.pnkbanana wrote:.....My mom is 75......
Your parent's (and mine) CofC genes run deep and that will not change... so don't waste your time trying. Sorry to hear this has you angry as I know exactly what you are going through.